My family
My weight has been an on-going struggle for me for the last several years. In high school, weight was never a problem. A Snickers and Mt Dew was my morning snack and a honey bun after school. Of course, I played tennis in the fall and stayed on the go, like most teenagers. I gained a few in college, but nothing too concerning.
My weight started to balloon in the summer of 2004. I had been married over 3 years and my thyroid went into over drive. I dropped 20 pounds and was giddy. Not happy-giddy, but nervous. That's when I found out that my thyroid was out of whack. I took a dose of radioactive iodine to slow down my thyroid. When it bottomed out, so did I.
Most people don't think about their thyroid. It's a small butterfly-shaped gland that wraps around your windpipe in your neck. It controls your metabolism, among other things. Metabolism doesn't just concern your weight; it also effects how fast or slow your organs work. When my hyper thyroid was diagnosed, my resting heart rate was over 100 beats per minute - rather fast, don't cha think? This explains why I was losing weight, but I lost muscle tone as well as fat.
So now, I take thyroid hormones everyday and will for the rest of my life. This means that I have an artificial metabolism :-) But, that's not the only reason why I'm overweight. I love to eat! Sweets are a weakness. Depriving myself, not giving into my wants, is like torture.
So I have to wonder, what is at the root of my weight issue? Is it will power? Genetics? Thyroid? Yes. It's all of that. Plus I battle depression and that medicine can cause weight gain. I have a lot working against me. But have to wonder is that all? Do I rely on (worship) food? Is food my god?
I know from a lifetime of Bible-preaching church services, that I am a sinner from conception. I was created by God, but born to sinful parents, brought up in a sinful world, married to a sinful man and have a sinful child. By the grace of God, the sinfulness has been forgiven. Although my sin is forgiven, I still am a sinner and sin daily. I also know that idolatry is a sin. We all worship someone or something. We all have times where God and/or Jesus is not our focus. We are all idolaters.
Is food my idol? Or is it pride? Or both?
I ponder this question often as I head toward gastric bypass surgery. Surgery is not meant to solve problems, but a "tool" to help lose weight. Will re-wiring my stomach and intestines also re-wire my desires? Physically, yes. Spiritually, no. I will continue to struggle, but will the change in my physical desires allow me to channel that desire toward Jesus? How do I trust Jesus and at the same time allow medical science change the perfect design of the human body?
Having surgery has been a sad decision for me. I'm embarrassed that's it's come to this. It's like I have admitted defeat. I'm not THAT overweight, but I need to lose a good 80 pounds or so. I'm almost 34 and have to take medicine for high blood pressure. I've told immediate family and a few people at work about my surgery. Everyone has been supportive. Being overweight is a very public battle. Everyone can see that you can't "control yourself."
So, I hang my head and admit defeat. At the same time, I look forward to a time where food and being hungry does not consume me. I look forward to taking one less pill everyday (bp meds). I look forward to my clothes not cutting into my stomach. I look forward to no longer shopping in the "big girl" section. I look forward to not being embarrassed at how much I over eat. I look forward to having more energy and feeling comfortable enough (in my own skin) to exercise.
I look forward to hope. Hope that Jesus will use this in my life somehow to glorify Him.
